DieHipster sucks, part one

I’m sure I’m opening a can of worms on this one, but fuck it, I don’t care. DieHipster.com sucks.

I should first state that I more or less agree with their overall message. It’s true that hipsters a huge drain on this city and are making it a pretty terrible place. I roll my eyes and scoff at hipsters when I see them on the train, at shows, or just generally loitering around. But my main problem with the site is that it’s not fucking funny or clever. There’s definitely a way to make fun of the hipsters and to do it in a way that’s hilarious, but the guy (woman?) who runs DieHipster is just about as unfunny as you can get. Further, it’s not even original anymore, it’s just the same tired lines about how hipsters don’t shower and they have beards and mustaches.

Actually, I don’t know who writes the site, so I’ll refer to them as Phineas J. Wolcott, one of the most ironic names I can think of. Maybe not. I don’t know. Either way, I’m going to use this little series of mine to talk about Phineas’ posts and why they’re not funny. We’ll see what happens.

Let’s start with low-hanging fruit. Every… whenever, Phineas writes a post called “Today’s hipster beating”. It’s basically fanfic for doing something mean to a hipster. And it’s so funny!!!!! In one of the more recent ones, he wrote:

Today at the park, I saw Blake B. Nasalheimer eating a lettuce sandwich on artisanal 16 grain bread while smothered in SPF 300 sunblock, reading a local indie rock mag printed only for J train riding pioneering emaciated hipsters. So without a moment to spare, I tied his greasy, bed bug ridden,  Spin Doctor beard and hair to the bench and kicked the fucking shit out of him until the police came and took over for me. End of story.

See? It’s funny to.. someone. Hipsters eat artisanal bread and wear sunblock with a high SPF ’cause they’re pale… but then they’re also emaciated. Okay. So then our clever writer somehow holds Blake B. Nasalheimer – clever name! – down long enough to tie his beard to a bench and beats him until the cops come and continue beating him. This, of course, is a persuasive and logical explanation as to why hipsters are a detriment to the cities in which they live. Or maybe it’s just the pitiful writings of someone who couldn’t get a movie exec to read his Hostel IV script, and instead retooled part of it for their blog. Either way, it’s not clever, and it’s not fucking funny.